Wise lessons from our elders..

and thus preach our elders...

A friend of mine was having a stressful week at work. Luckily, the words of my late father came to me and I was able to offer my friend the following sagely & timeless advice:

Try to remember, don't let the donkey behinds know they are winning. (for the sake of demonstration and discussion I will use the term donkey to refer also to the mule, a popular mixed breed offspring of a male donkey and female horse which results in a genetic quandary luckily nearly always sterile) When they get stubborn bite their ear or use an old trick Dad taught me.

When a donkey won't move insert a length of well oiled(Dad always said use that grease you pack ball bearings with)garden hose in their back side, Most donkey behinds relish the sensation. Then get a big funnel, insert into free end of hose, and pour in  2 quarts to a gallon of diesel or regular gasoline. The fragrance is very intoxicating to the animal as well. Light a candle and very carefully move it to a position within a foot or two of the donkey's tail end.

Here's the tough part, quietly approach from behind, he said a lot of times they'd get one guy in front to distract them usually by humming or whistling quietly a regional folk tune or popular ballad, while the donkey is diverted gently massage and or tickle the area just behind the residence of the donkey's non-fertile cascarones(very literally confetti filled eggs although the donkey's seem empty of any colorful bits of paper).

Usually in less than 5 minutes the donkey begins exhaling force-ably, snorting, followed by a full body violent shudder, Immediately following the shuddering the donkey's eyes will roll back in the sockets and the donkey will break wind quite violently. When that occurs one of two things can happen.

1. The open flame will ignite the octane enriched methane causing the donkey to blow up into millions of minute pieces of bloody donkey flesh.
or
2. If on the off chance that somehow the donkey survives the explosion, miraculously in more or less one piece, well...you'd just better do whatever he tells you and hope he doesn't find out it was you who blew gasoline up his......